Snowflakes

I arrived at the hangout spot of our association. It was rather a sunny day that day. I was wearing a mid-length black dress and some black shoes. I had put a little makeup too, just to look more presentable. The place we frequently hung out was enormous, full of people and full of hefty tables. Our friends were chattering around, I was one of the last ones that arrived it seemed. There was a quite uncomfortable buzzing that filled the place.

One side of it was open to an area that resembled a backyard only, there was no grass, it was all concrete and you could see that the backyard connected with an alley. It was full of light and freshness that open area brought. The lightning was nice, people seemed to be pleased with how their day was turning out.

I searched for my brother for a while. Had a little bit of trouble founding him since the place was so packed. After a few minutes, I spotted him at one of the tables on the left corner. In less than ten steps I was at their table greeting him and our friends, more like his friend that I grew to be friends since I hardly ever left his side at this kind of gatherings.

We were having so much fun until all hell broke down loose. At first, I did not understand what was going on then I heard my brother calling out for me, shaking me and screaming at my face saying; “Run! Get out! Run as fast as you can! I’ll meet up with you.” I was still in shock but did what was I told and ran out of there towards the alley as fast as I can. For one second I turned my back to see what was going on and saw a handful of men with rifles and ski masks shooting randomly at people. At my friends!

Although I was in a greater shock than I was before, I managed to do what my brother told me, ran as fast as I can until my legs gave out. I found myself in a busy downtown that reminded me of “Karşıyaka Çarşı” with the fear of getting caught by the men back at the place I kept walking around people. Then I felt an urge to look down at my clothes and saw them changed into some pitch blue sweatpants and a dark blue shabby pullover. I also had a camouflage backpack. Though it should feel strange, I did not think any of it. It felt like a second nature to me so, I grabbed the hood of my pullover and covered my head and half of my face.

The more I walked the more I felt impatience. Numerous thoughts were running around in circles in my brain taking me back to the scene I saw while running away then echoing the words my brother screamed at me. Unintentionally I found myself breaking loose from the crowd and heading towards a quiet alley. I stopped in the middle of it and tried to collect both my breath and thoughts. It was then I remembered my brother telling me that he would find me. Feeling a strange rush of energy, I, again went on with my way to find him.

For some time I circled around the streets to catch a glimpse of him. But it was no vain. I also noticed the streets that previously had been full of people were as empty as my whole body felt now. Furthermore, the weather was getting cold and I found myself wrapping my pullover around myself to keep me warm. I slowed down a little bit, with the numbness in my body I started to actually enjoy the weather. It had always felt refreshing being in cold weather. I always seemed to like cold, gloomy weather for some reason I could not comprehend until that day.

Apparently, my own feet brought me back to the backyard of the meeting place. There was no sign of anybody. Not even one of my friends or the men that had come with the rifles. I decided to turn around and head back to where I came, to a more open area in the hopes of detecting my brother.

As I walked I noticed the change of scenery. I no longer could recall the streets I roamed around countless times in the search of my brother and to hide from the men. Instead of various small shops, the streets were filled with small houses with colorful gardens. Suddenly the earth felt as if the living soul was taken out of it. No sound, no movement or no sign of life was present. A spooky loneliness crept into my body. Until that day I never felt such intense desolation. In my mind, I knew I was the only person left in the world. I knew I could never feel the same, I could never taste happily ever after. I wrapped my arms around my torso in order to have some kind of comfort but it was in vain.

Then as if it was not enough, it abruptly started snowing and soon a thin layer of snow covered the ground. It was not snowing heavily, the scenery would almost make me calm if it was not for the worrisome thoughts in my brain. Slowly but surely I walked to a place my feet took me, my arms still wrapped around.

After some time, I noticed someone walking beside me. I turned my head to see who it was only to come across with my brother’s sorrowful small smile that unfortunately reached his sad eyes. A rush of integrity filled me. Being with my brother made me less anxious about the future, about the strangeness of our surrounding. He held my hand and in the blink of an eye, we were in an avenue. Just one look was enough to sense the grim that hugged the avenue. My brother let go of my hand indicating me to take a good look around. I started walking and observing the sidewalk leaving my brother behind, watching me.

It seemed like the sidewalk was adorned with memorials. I kneeled down to wipe out the snow on one of them to see the name on it. It wrote “Beril Foya”. In confusion, I looked up to see my brother standing next to a tribute. I got up and went to him. He motioned me to read the tribute with his eyes. With great curiosity, I gave my attention to it.

“In the loving memory of AGT volunteers that had passed away and left their loved ones in grief. Rest in peace.” I backed away from the tribute, my hand in my mouth and tears filling my eyes. I shook my head vigorously. I looked at my brother wanting him to say it was all a misunderstanding or he was only joking only to come face to face with his tearful grieving eyes. With an instinct, I ran to the memorial that wrote my name and wiped out the one next to it. I was devastated when I read the name on it. It was his name. My brother’s. I got up and started screaming to air. I wanted to get this ache out of my lungs. With a quick move, my brother caught me and hugged me from behind to stop me, to give me some sort of comfort. It did not matter how much I screamed, how forcefully I punched and kicked my brother to let me go. All my attempts were in vain. The reality was superior to all. We died in that shooting. Me and my brother, our friends. All of us…